There I was, sitting in my office at work, wondering how I could be so forgetful? I knew I had two sick parents, how in the world did I manage to make it to work without my cell phone? Worried about the type of calls I was missing, I was just about to tell my manager I needed to take an extended lunch, when she walked in. She informed me that a Client wanted to take the management staff to lunch and my presence was required. I explained my dilemma with my parents, but she denied my request. Against my better judgment, I attended the lunch.
We arrived at the restaurant and everyone was in the process of ordering. I had just finished my order and it was my manager’s turn. For some strange reason, She decided to go out of her way to tell the Waiter to eliminate an appetizer off of my bill, one that I had previously said I’d really loved to try. The table grew silent and all eyes were on me. Now this may have been a corporate lunch, but we were paying for our own meals. I was taken aback. The embarrassment I felt as everyone stared at me, waiting for my reaction. I could have stormed out, I could have even spoken up for myself, but I didn’t. I remained quiet and put my head down because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself yet; I didn’t know how to use my voice.
I have looked back at this memory several times in my life and I’ve often wondered what was the reason behind her actions. Was I too confident when I ordered my meal? Did she want to take me down a peg to make herself look good? Did she want to impress the Client by showing him who was really in charge? I have analyzed this memory from every possible angle and spiraled down the rabbit hole of questions yet I was nowhere close to being healed.
If I had known the impact this offense would have on my heart, there would be no wound to heal from presently nor would there be a blog post about it. I really thought I was over it which is crazy in and of itself because I never addressed it. I just thought if I drove away from the memory as fast as I could, it would never resurface. My younger self actually believed in “out of sight, out of mind” and “time heals all wounds”. Here’s a tip: Disassociation NEVER WORKS and whoever came up with those stupid statements lied! Offenses you bury will eventually rise to the surface and unfortunately, they are not a respecter of time.
I realized this when I had a breakdown at my dining room table because I was reliving a moment in time I wanted to keep hidden. Breakdowns are unfortunately apart of the human experience if you choose to practice avoidance in certain areas in your life and I am aware my experience isn’t unique. It’s just a drop in the sea of countless stories of humiliation, and emotional abuse that some of us have chosen to bury deep in our subconscious. Writing about this was never something I wanted to do as it was quite difficult to sit in those feelings again. But God had other plans, he wanted me to heal. And if you came across this practically hidden blog, written by an amateur blogger who has done no marketing whatsoever for this site, this may very well be your sign from God to heal as well. Just saying!
The good book states: “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle” (Proverbs 18:19 KJV). I can’t imagine what my life would look like now if I would have forgiven my former manager and myself sooner. But what I do know is that this offense has made me a prisoner to my emotions and I am tired. I have no interest, buy-in or ROI from babysitting this wound or any other wounds caused by offense over the years. I’ve had enough, it’s time to leave.
Now where’s the key?
