The seeds of you grew in my heart long before I could comprehend my desires. Your allure, deceptive as wine, drew me in to drink from a pit of lies. Captivated by your eyes, I rejected my light to accept your vision. I swam circles in your darkness and meditated on the fantasies you fed me.
There were so many seasons I thought you were “The One”. Every coincidence, every chance encounter, exchange of small talk, and smiles…your presence made my heart jump with joy. How was I supposed to know my drunkenness for love would lead me down dark paths? I wanted to be wrapped up in warmth, filled with joy and light. I wanted to be free spirited, freely walking in my purpose and in love. Instead, I saw you and distracted myself with the crumbs of your potential.
I buried my voice for your acceptance. I willingly lost myself to love you. When you placed your hands tightly around my neck to make a point, I thought this cannot be what everyone is raving about, this cannot be love. Or the time when you firmly held me down, demanding me to be submissive and bend to your every will. My God! Did I miss the mark and ignore the signs with this one too? Why do I continually search for my birthright in low places?
Each of us is entitled to love and to see the power of love manifesting in every area of our lives. We are commanded to love and more importantly, to receive God’s love, so we know how to love our siblings-God’s children properly. I understand the importance of this, but I need a mental shift to comprehend the depth of love. I’ve searched the world ten times over looking for what I thought love was. My level of understanding manifested my experiences, thus reinforcing an inaccurate belief system that consistently led me in the wrong direction. Somewhere along my journey, I began to water lust and accept it as love. This distorted belief kept me in darkness. Eventually hitting rock bottom, I thought I would find clarity. Instead, rejection greeted me and disassociation became my coping mechanism for a bruised heart; this behavior lasted 10 years.
I cannot recall the exact moment I realized I was driving in the wrong direction. I know I started to look at my life with a new set of eyes. I suddenly became aware of my thought patterns and what type of impact each environment had on me. I began to realize I had a choice in which seeds I chose to nourish. I know I can’t control everything, but I can control the way I respond to fear and doubt regardless of how they show up in my life.
In the past, I found comfort in hiding, from blocking all pain from entering in after my heartbreak. I really thought I was doing myself a favor, I consider the price I would have to pay years later. Now I am gifted with the opportunity to discover who I really am and to find my voice again. I feel like my journey has just begun, so unfortunately I can’t insert a happy ending for you here. But after years of searching for somebody’s son to love me, I’ve thankfully retired. I always knew what I wanted, but now I’m finally searching within me to find it.
